I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
