She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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