one word: firstdatebathroomanal
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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