What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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