just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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