I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
