So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
