Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
