I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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