i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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