lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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