you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize