I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
