im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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