Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
