She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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