She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
