my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
