Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
