Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
