Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
