I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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