I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
