I want to make a zoo with you.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You don't make any sense
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