yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
