So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
