I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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