I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
