He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
