You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
