The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
