don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
