Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I could make wine with my vomit
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
