They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize