Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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