I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I want a musical about memes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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