the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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