Someone shit on the floor
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Will exercising make me less horny?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
