Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can feel your judgement through the phone
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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