I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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