I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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