I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
