So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
