I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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