so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
