please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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