Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I touched a dick in church today
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
