The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think my mom watched the whole time
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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