so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
