Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
