i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
