Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
