I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
