Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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