Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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