I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I will pee on everything he values.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
