so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
