I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
