I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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