At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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