so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
