I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
