look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
